Fat kids

Things That Fuck Me Off – Part 1: (Parents of) Fat Kids

I’ve noticed that an increasing number of day-to-day happenings piss me off more now that I am approaching my 40s; those last three words fuck me off like you wouldn’t believe.

People wind me up. OK, that may be something of a sweeping statement but the vast majority of what causes me undue stress, increases my blood pressure, or narks me off revolves around humans. Stupid humans, selfish people, general cunts, they all wind me up.

Goings on in the world often boils my piss, while certain songs, beliefs, the weather and a whole host of other things grind my gears on a daily basis. I can be a right miserable cunt on the inside. So with that in mind, I thought why not have a vent and a rant on my blog? After all, it will break up the fitness, poker, video games and other such nonsense that gets published here.

What better title for such an ongoing series as “Things That Fuck Me Off” and what better way to get the said series off the ground than by moaning about fat kids? Before we get started, let’s make a couple things clear. It’s not the fat kids themselves that fuck me off, more the fact they are fat, if that makes any sense. Also, if you get pissed off reading this because your kid is fat, unlucky cookie, sort your little fat fuck out and you’ll get over it.

Fat Kids

fat kids

I’m sat here writing this blog article eating a bag of chocolate peanuts and weighing approximately two stone more than health experts say I should for my height; the irony is not wasted on me, brothers and sisters. I’m an adult, however, and I get to do what the fuck I like within the limits set by the various laws of my country. I earn money and I spend that money how I wish. If that wish is a bag of chocolate peanuts for a quid from the charity box at my local pub, then a bag of sweets I will have.

Kids don’t have this luxury. They can only have what you give them, particularly when it comes to food. You hear mums in the playground etc saying “Little Johnny doesn’t like fruit as a snack” as she hands over a Kingsize Yorkie at 08:15 in the school playground, and Little Johnny is anything but little. He’s one of those kids who has to wear tracky bottoms to school because they don’t do school trousers for pint-sized manatees.

Little Johnny’s mum’s the problem here. If Little Johnny, who probably doesn’t need a snack at quarter-past eight in the morning for a start, doesn’t like fruit then don’t give him a fucking chocolate “snack” when the poor little cunt has the circumference of a small moon. He’s hardly going to go shoplifting for a KitKat Chunky or mug a granny to get his sugar fix is he?

The same goes for lunch and dinner. If your kids aren’t fans of vegetables or foodstuffs that are healthy then don’t load up tons of shit for them to devour because kids are greedy little bastards that will munch their way through most things if you let them. Think locusts, big, expensive locusts. My kids love the usual chicken nuggets, crisps, and all that shite, and they’re kids so they get them (probably too regularly if I am honest) but they are all a healthy weight and active in and out of school.

You cause your fat kids

fat kids

Which leads me to when people say “Little Johnny doesn’t like playing outside.” No, Little Johnny doesn’t because he’s a fat cunt who can hardly walk never mind entertain the idea of chasing a fellow kid four-times less his size down the street.

Encourage the kids to play out, run around like knobheads, anything to get their little hearts beating fast and their blood racing through their veins. Obviously, like most things, prevention is better than the cure and most of these things I’ve ranted about would be much easier to implement if Little Johnny didn’t resemble Michelin Man, but if your little one is a wobbly little twat, stop killing them by plying them with food and a life of no exercise. Give them smaller portions, offer healthier alternatives, chase the little shit around the garden, don’t bow to their tantrums when they want to feed their fat faces and they’ll thank you for it in the long run.

I’d be willing to bet good money that nobody has ever reached 25-30 years old and gone, “Mum / Dad, I’m so glad you fed me like someone was making fois grais when I was little and now I am the size of a house.” It’s so much easier to not be fat when you are a kid than it is to be fat; it takes a lot of effort to make a kid fat, effort you could be putting into other areas of its life, not its chins and thighs.

People will take the piss out of your fat kid. Your fat kid will be miserable because of this. There’s an increased chance your fat kid will be left out socially because he or she will have the stigma of being the class or year’s fatty. It’s awful, but it’s true.

Once they reach adulthood its their choice. I was always skinny as a kids and teenager, in fact up to my 20s really, yet I ended up putting weight on to the point I was at least three or four stone overweight. I’ll tell you now, it’s fucking hard to shift timber and get healthy in your late 30s.

Stop abusing your kids by feeding them to within an inch of their lives. They won’t thank you for it, quite the opposite in fact. Perhaps this article should have been called Things That Fuck Me Off – Part 1: Parents of Fat Kids?


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