Driving is like sex in that you can do it legally in your late teens and everyone thinks they’re good at it but in reality they’re a bit shit.
I estimate that I have driven approximately 250,000 miles since passing my driving test on Aug. 2, 2001, some 17-years ago. While this distance is nothing compared to some people who drive for a living, or have to commute daily, it is far enough to lay claim to being an experienced driver who has probably seen it all on our roads.
Some people drive only because they have to. I’m in the camp of actually enjoying driving, well, most of the time. Being stuck in traffic and queuing winds me up no end, but I like getting behind the wheel for the most part.
The roads, however, are full of mouth-breathers who fuck only knows how they managed to get a licence; some of them must have performed some amazing pork sword swallowing skills to get that pass slip. I passed at the fourth time of asking, in case you were wondering. No sucky sucky ten dollar from me.
There’s not a day goes by that I get in my car that at least one of the following things happens to heat my piss into a bubbling mixture of anger and brimstone in my bladder. How many of these royally fuck you off?
Not acknowledging you’ve let them pass
Sweet baby Jesus, this is probably the one thing that turns me into Raoul Moat. Flash your lights at me, raise a finger or two, give a little pip of your horn, wave like you’re demented, call me a fat cunt, do ANYTHING to acknowledge I have gone out of my way to make your journey that little bit easier.
A few weeks back, a weird situation cropped up. I stopped to let a young lad get passed as cars were doubled parked the full length of the street we were going down. He gave a little wave to say thanks, but then called me a wanker because I didn’t say thanks for him saying thanks! Maybe he needs Gazza turning up with a fishing rod and a KFC more than I do.
Drivers who don’t use their indicators
I know BMW drivers receive a lot of stick for not using their indicators, but that’s probably because the yellow flashing bastards are an expensive added extra on their car so they don’t bother with them.
Why don’t people indicate? It’s not like that have to wave a flag or anything, the indicators come on when you move a little plastic stick at the side of the steering wheel. I’ll tell you why people don’t indicate, because they are inconsiderate little pricks, that’s why.
Those twats who drive through speed cameras 10 mph slower than needed
This makes me want to drown a puppy. Let’s play a little game. If you’re driving on a road with a 40 mph speed limit and look up to see a speed camera ahead, how fast do you think you’re allowed to go past it without it going off? Think about it. 40 mph, right? So why are people insistent of slamming on the brakes and sauntering past at 25 or 30 mph? Wankers, the lot of them.
Cockwombles who are constantly braking
Pay attention to the road ahead and you’ll limit the number of times you have to brake whatever roads you are driving on. Try taking your foot off the accelerator instead of using your brakes to drop your speed by a few miles per hour.
My biggest gripe with those dickheads with a twitchy brake foot is when they brake all the way down a hill. USE YOUR FUCKING ENGINE TO HELP KEEP YOU UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT YOU PLEBS. Not only does your constant braking make the person behind you not know if you need to stop, you run the risk of your brakes not working when you need them. Google “brake fade” if you don’t believe me.
Panicking when the emergency services are trying to get through
Why is it that the majority of the driving population go into a frenzy whenever they see flashing blue lights with the accompanying emergency siren? Watch the next time a fire engine, police car or ambulance is tearing you behind you, especially if you’re in standing traffic. Sing the Benny Hill tune in your head as you watch people wonder what the fuck they need to do in order to let the emergency services through.
Here’s a tip for those of you who are mongs and don’t know what to do: If you’re in the inside lane, pull over to the left. If you’re in the outside lane, pull over to the right, thus creating a parting of the traffic so the emergency services can get through; Moses would be proud.
Those knobheads who drive in the dark with no lights on
How on this planet does anyone get into their car on a night and set off driving without turning their headlights on? Anyone who does this should be publicly flogged with one of their own arms or legs.
On the flipside, those wank stains who drive with their rear fog lights on need kicking in the bollocks or ovaries. If your “cool” front fog lights can’t come on without the retina-searing rear lights coming on, don’t fucking use them unless it’s, say, really fucking foggy.